Thursday, November 20, 2008

Struggling

Okay, I am seriously struggling right now. I am absolutely, without a doubt, miserable at my job. I am back to crying every single day. On top of that, when I get mad, all I can think about is what I missing out on with my girls, while dealing with 150 ungrateful teenagers every day. I traded in my own two pre-schoolers for 150 hellions. When I see the behavior issues going on with my own children that did not exist before they went to daycare, and the return to babydom from Bro Man, and I cannot help but think that those "extra" problems would be gone if I was not working. I am missing out on eating lunch with him for Thanksgiving at school, participating in field trips, being a class mom again, teaching Emily and Kendall to read and write like I did Ryan. I am missing out on the 597 extra hugs that I got every day. But the worst part is that I only want to sleep when I am at home. If I am not sleeping, I am taking out my bad day on my children, because I am completely determined that they are not going to end up like my students.

I came home crying last night. Keith's response was, "If it is that bad, then quit." Oh, you have no idea how bad I wanted to hear those words. But then...... I started thinking. He has been miserable in his job for quite some time now. But he hasn't quit. Because he has to provide for his family. He would love to quit. He wants to open a business for himself. No, we don't have the capital for it, but he would love to do it. I also started thinking that when I was praying this summer about a teaching job, that I asked God if the "right" job for me came along, then he would open the doors to it. And he opened the door to this one. Am I giving up on God's plan? Maybe all I needed was the reassurance from Keith that if things got too, too bad, I could leave.

But is teaching somewhere else going to be any different? No. So then what? As long as I have been in school, I could be a doctor by now. Why am I not? Do I just give up on teaching because the students are jerks? Because I know there will jerks, probably even bigger ones, in medicine. Why is it impossible for me to be happy? Keith mentioned the other night that because of work and kids' behavior, we don't even get to enjoy each other anymore, because "we" don't exist anymore. Everything is about being too stressed out or fussing at the kids. The last couple of nights I have spent watching hilariously funny movies with the kids. I have so enjoyed hearing them laugh. Even Keith laughed out loud from the music studio at the kids laughing. But night before last, I fell asleep at 5:30 watching the movie with the kids and slept all night long, even with them in the room with me. Last night, I made some DawgHouse dip and some beer bread before settling in to watch Garfield. But by 8:15 I was zonked.

I know that I am sick (sinus stuff, sore throat, earaches) and that is more than likely contributing to the inability to stay conscious in the evenings and probably my negative attitude toward my students. My fellow teachers warned me that it is easy to get burned out. I think I am there. I am not going to make any decisions right now. I am going to see how it goes between now and Christmas break.

My sanity is at sake, people. Help!

4 comments:

Cindy said...

I don't want this to sound like I'm happy, but I sure know where you're coming from! You're the first person (couple) I've heard say the very words my hubby and I have said. My hubby is very level headed and he makes me think too the same way yours does...I hope you can find the right path...know that you're not alone

mommaof4wife2r said...

i don't teach...not a teacher, but i am in youth ministry...and there are kids there too. so here's my take...for what it's worth (take it or leave it).

sometimes we grow and refine the most in the challenging times. it's then when the only reliance that is possible is through God's strength and not our ability or our friends or husbands or kids, but only through Him. so, let God handle this one...and i know that sounds so simple and it totally isn't. i have been drawn and drawn to matthew chapter 6 this week over and over and one of my fav things is that i worry about everything. that chapter in the bible talks about not worrying about all the "stuff" that is going on but looking to God first and then all the other things will be handled...the kids def won't be better behaved, and the cooking won't be easier, but maybe your viewpoint will make them sooo much easier to handle. who knows. i'll pray for you...and for some wisdom bc this is a big deal. i became a SAHM only a few years back and God just simply prepared the way, bringing financial support into hubs job and ease with work to telecommute...i'm anxious to see where this all takes you...and i know in the midst, you will see yourself and God in a new light.

Z's Mom said...

Hang in there.....you'll figure out what you should do.

The sinus thing sucks...I've been dealing with it for a couple of weeks now....as I do every year....and it really does add to the crabbiness...I mean, you feel miserable....right???

BigSis said...

I am sorry you are struggling. I have struggled with finding a balance between work and home ever since I had the boys. But, I think you need to stick it out. The girls will be in elementary school before you know it so you will have to get a job anyway. At least this job will allow you summers with the kids. That is a lot more time than most working moms get with their children. Also, if you pull the girls out of daycare now because of behavioral issues, you will just be starting all over again when they go to elementary school. This way, they can sort all of that out for themselves before they have to worry about homework. Hang in there! I love you and you are in my prayers daily.