Okay, I am seriously struggling right now. I am absolutely, without a doubt, miserable at my job. I am back to crying every single day. On top of that, when I get mad, all I can think about is what I missing out on with my girls, while dealing with 150 ungrateful teenagers every day. I traded in my own two pre-schoolers for 150 hellions. When I see the behavior issues going on with my own children that did not exist before they went to daycare, and the return to babydom from Bro Man, and I cannot help but think that those "extra" problems would be gone if I was not working. I am missing out on eating lunch with him for Thanksgiving at school, participating in field trips, being a class mom again, teaching Emily and Kendall to read and write like I did Ryan. I am missing out on the 597 extra hugs that I got every day. But the worst part is that I only want to sleep when I am at home. If I am not sleeping, I am taking out my bad day on my children, because I am completely determined that they are not going to end up like my students.
I came home crying last night. Keith's response was, "If it is that bad, then quit." Oh, you have no idea how bad I wanted to hear those words. But then...... I started thinking. He has been miserable in his job for quite some time now. But he hasn't quit. Because he has to provide for his family. He would love to quit. He wants to open a business for himself. No, we don't have the capital for it, but he would love to do it. I also started thinking that when I was praying this summer about a teaching job, that I asked God if the "right" job for me came along, then he would open the doors to it. And he opened the door to this one. Am I giving up on God's plan? Maybe all I needed was the reassurance from Keith that if things got too, too bad, I could leave.
But is teaching somewhere else going to be any different? No. So then what? As long as I have been in school, I could be a doctor by now. Why am I not? Do I just give up on teaching because the students are jerks? Because I know there will jerks, probably even bigger ones, in medicine. Why is it impossible for me to be happy? Keith mentioned the other night that because of work and kids' behavior, we don't even get to enjoy each other anymore, because "we" don't exist anymore. Everything is about being too stressed out or fussing at the kids. The last couple of nights I have spent watching hilariously funny movies with the kids. I have so enjoyed hearing them laugh. Even Keith laughed out loud from the music studio at the kids laughing. But night before last, I fell asleep at 5:30 watching the movie with the kids and slept all night long, even with them in the room with me. Last night, I made some DawgHouse dip and some beer bread before settling in to watch Garfield. But by 8:15 I was zonked.
I know that I am sick (sinus stuff, sore throat, earaches) and that is more than likely contributing to the inability to stay conscious in the evenings and probably my negative attitude toward my students. My fellow teachers warned me that it is easy to get burned out. I think I am there. I am not going to make any decisions right now. I am going to see how it goes between now and Christmas break.
My sanity is at sake, people. Help!
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