Groundhog Day

Anybody remember that movie? Bill Murray is trapped in a single day which he relives over and over? He wakes up at the same time and to the same song. He goes through the same events over and over again. It is sheer hell to him. WELL, I am experiencing Groundhog Day myself. I wake up every. single. morning at 4:38. I follow the exact same morning routine, repeat the exact same activities for the day, and end the day in tears. I am living my own hell. The only difference is that I never know what my students have up their sleeves for that day. I dread waking up in the mornings.

Mr. Wonderful and I had the discussion last night about my future as a teacher. He told me that he was tired of seeing me a blubbering, crying mess who snaps at my children needlessly. He is tired of me being so mentally exhausted that I really have no energy to want to do anything or go anywhere. I told him that I did not know what the answer is, but I think I know must consider what it is. We must get rid of debt. Baby K has two more years at home before she starts school, so my plan right now is to TRY to finish the school year, and consider what my next career plan will be. Maybe this will give me enough time to be still and listen to what God has planned for me. I am not turning in my notice right now; I am going to be still and listen to God. Life has become very overwhelming. I no longer feel like I am strong enough to deal with any of it. The smallest things are setting me into a tear-filled frenzy. Any suggestions?

(When re-reading this, I thought that I sound suicidal--but trust me, I am not!)

good news

I talked to the sheriff the other night and it turns out that they had already arrested one of the suspects from the earlier post. He confessed it all and gave up the other three. It will at least be some relief to these kids and their families that the assailants will at least be in jail.

I am really struggling with teaching. Please pray for me. It is really taking its toll on me in every aspect of my life.

What is FEAR to you?

What is fear to you? I get scared very easily, but I am not sure that is "fear." Is it fear when you answer the phone to hear one of your daughters say, "Mom, help us!" followed by gun shots and then complete silence. You bet that's fear. Is it fear when four teenagers are forced into a collision by four gun-wielding strangers who shoot your car? Is it fear when you try to get away but back into a ditch and hit a tree? You bet that it is fear. Is it fear when the two boys take off running and leave the two girls with the assailants? Is it fear when you finally think it's over only to find out that the strangers' vehicle won't start and they come back after you? Unimaginable fear. I really don't know who experienced more fear that night: the teenage girl who was pulled from the car with a gun placed against her head while she waited on her friend to get the car out of the ditch of the friend who knew that her friend's life depended on her getting that stuck car out of the ditch. Or the innocent good samaritan who stopped and tried to help only to find himself the victim of an attempted murder when a bullet whizzed through the windshield of his truck missing him by only inches. Or the parents who must have felt that an eternity had passed before they found out their children were safe. Or the parents of the second boy who could not be found for two hours, the boy whose blood they were looking for because they thought he had been shot, who had run so hard and so far that he collapsed and tracking dogs were used to find him.

This is a true story. It happened Friday night in the small town about 12 miles from here where we used to live. On the end of the road that it happened, houses are few and far between. These teens were followed from a nearby gas station and robbed, and eventually car jacked. It was several more miles before the girls could find someone to let them use the phone to call their parents. It turned out that the boys ran to get help. But I think maybe they ran because they thought the girls would follow. Or maybe they ran as part of God's plan. I know you are thinking that none of this could have been God's plan. But I think if those boys had stayed around, it could have gotten even more violent and one of them may not be alive now. One of the boys has suffered a major head injury which was aggravated recently by a fight at school. He has only been out of the hospital a few months now. I know three of the four teens involved and their parents. This is more than fear--it is a nightmare. It turns out that the truck which the assailants left behind was reported stolen shortly afterward and they found the carjacked vehicle later abandoned. So it looks like these strangers will get away with their crime.

My Baby Boy

Oh, Sweet Baby Boy! The day has arrived marking yet another celebration of your birth. Today you are nine. All of my life I have contemplated ways that I possibly could keep you a baby, then a toddler, than a young child, now a big boy. I realized that I cannot stop you from growing up; I just have to show you the way to becoming a young man. Thank goodness we have Daddy to show you how to be a great husband and father.

Every day of my life I will remember you being a tiny little baby who peed on his father as soon as he was born. A beautiful reminder that life is good, that God is good (not peeing on your father, you). You were a true blessing straight from Heaven. You still are. I am so glad that God picked me to be your mother. I am so proud of the boy you are, and know that I will be of the young man yet to come. You are such a joy to me. I am so glad we got to spend the day together Thursday. I had so much fun just being silly with you, playing the hand slap game, eating good shrimp and fried pickles, but most importantly good company and laughter. You have no idea how much it means to me that every time we spend the day together you say, "This is the best day of my life." Oh, how I love you!

Here is a pic of how I will always remember you when I call you my baby boy, even if you are 80.
I'll never forget how you loved to walk around the house with only one sock on with a bowl on your head. Or how you used to fall asleep in your high chair eating. How you used to come crawling as fast as you could when you heard the MASH theme song. How you used to come crawling as fast as you could when you heard a cheese wrapper being opened. How you used to sing Chinney Kessey, George Strait, and Toby Keith like there was no tomorrow. You would perform anywhere, anytime. When you got tired, you would crawl into your room and wait at the crib until we saw you and put you to bed.

I love you, mama's baby boy!

Fight to the End

I went to the movies last night with Sister Lorri. The movie was great. We watched Bride Wars, thanks to the trailer I watched on Stretch Marks. The fighting was hilarious all the way to the end. Great chick flick!!! Check it out!

After a horrible day at school yesterday, the school had the nerve to give me an intent form. If these have been around and you teachers know what I am talking about, then you are chuckling to yourselves. It is a form that indicates what my plans are for next school year. This comes after they told us Tuesday that our class sizes would be going up to around 45. You heard me right...45! If you think I can't get any teaching done with 33 in a class, just imagine 12 more. I did not fill the form out yesterday, because we all know what I would have marked--resign!

I am not sure that I can do this again next year. I am thinking more elementary.

It's Like Coming Home

Several things that I want to talk about. The first of which is I went to a jewelry party yesterday at sister Jan's house. And I must say, her house is spectacular. It was always nice, but since deciding to sell it and move to the lake, they have redone everything. They have new flooring including tiles and carpet, all new cabinetry throughout, granite countertops throughout, an amazing tile backsplash, paint throughout, new moldings throughout....it's awesome.

Second thing (sorry Leigh), when sister Leigh got ready to leave in the middle of a storm, she backed into my van. Nothing too serious, just folded the hood a little, swapped a little paint, and gouged the bumper. Insurance man called and will send an adjuster to look at the van in the next few days. They will also provide me with a rental while mine is being repaired.

Third: I go back to work tomorrow. I am seriously dreading it. I will make it through the next five months. Depending on the financial situation come summer, I may not do it again. I am going to try selling a boutique brand of children's clothing for some extra income. If that goes well, I will try to do that to bring in some income if I do not teach next year.

But lastly, and most importantly, we went back to our old church today for the first time in several years. We had moved on to a church in our city, but just found that it wasn't really home. Over the last several years of "going" to that church, we have not gone more than we have gone. It is a big enough church where we are nobodies. There are very few people there who recognize me or speak to me. Not that that is a reason to go to a church. But a church home is one where you feel welcome and wanted; where the preacher is accessible. In the two+ years of this church, I never even seen the preacher other than on the pulpit preaching. But being back in our old church, it felt soooo goood. It felt like going home. Like our long lost family, and other than our children getting older, we had not changed and they had not changed. Well, they changed the starting time of church so we got there twenty-five minutes late and NO ONE CARED!! Even Keith said that it felt right being back there. So hopefully, this will be the beginning of a better relationship with God, in a familiar place. I had forgotten how real Eric's sermons are-how he uses real life examples of his mistakes and his family's to drive a point across. I think often times we fault preachers for making mistakes just like us. We put them on some sort of pedestal. In fact, they are human just like we are.

We have an interesting start to 2009--can't wait to see what the rest of the year has in store for us. Praise God for bringing us "home." Now I just need to be still and listen to what God is telling me I need to do about being at home or working. Baby K has two more years until she starts school, and I would love to be home with her and be able to be the mom who goes on field trips and helps with class parties.