Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The New Me

I am often a very sad person. I love to laugh, but I do not laugh easily. I am highly stressed most of the time. Nothing really seems to make me happy. And I see that reflected in my child. Bro Man, too, is unhappy most of the time--for no reason. He is quick to get his feelings hurt, not a great sense of humor, cannot laugh at himself. My concern is not for me. It is for an eight-year old who seems depressed.

It has occurred to me that I must change to see a change in him. I have changed alot since being married to Mr. Wonderful, learning to laugh at myself or not get my feelings hurt so easily. But he's only 8, and that breaks my heart. I am always telling him not to be so sad, but then I realized he is mirroring what he sees from me.

I am extremely hard on myself. I think that when I go to school for soooooo long now, that my job should come easily. Teaching is harder than I ever thought that it would be. And I am so hard on myself for that. I feel like there is some magical formula for these teachers whose classes actually sit down and do their work. And because I do not know this formula, I beat myself up. Bro Man is much the same way. If school work is not a breeze for him, he beats himself up. He calls himself stupid, or grumbles and complains about how hard it is. He is in third grade now and is learning a harder math.

I realized something the other night. I have been asking for a while now for God's intervention. But I don't think until the other night that I have been willing to accept it. I realized that I have been unhappy about my weight for almost nine years now. But I really have done nothing to change it. So, it is time to accept me for me. Either I have to be willing to accept myself as I am or be willing to change myself. I explained to Bro Man the other night that we only have one life, one shot at happiness in this life. It is too short to be upset or sad or angry all the time. We have to enjoy each other, laugh together, love together, worship the Lord together. We have to love the Lord with all of our hearts, our families with all of our hearts, and be happy.

I explained to him (and to myself) that is something seems hard, we just have to put more effort into it and try a little harder. We've always got a little more in us than we are willing to give. For example, I took Friday off because I was ready to strangle any given student. Not really--just really frustrated. When I came back yesterday, refreshed and with a new and improved attitude, it quickly blew up in my face. I thought that I came back with more energy and less stress ( I finished my online class.) I thought I had more patience, but then my students told me that I came back with a bad attitude. I think the perception is different because when I am refreshed, I attempt to bring some order back to the classroom in a very difficult class. They do not respond well to order, and they perceive it as less patient.

I have to realize that is isn't how they perceive me, because I know that I am doing the right thing by attempting to cease the chaos. I can only pray that my improved outlook will rub off on Bro Man the way that the unhappiness has.


Cindy said...

I hope things become easier each day.
Don't stop talking to him. Personally, I think that when the talking stops, is when things go downhill. Oh, and you are the one in charge. They are the students and you are the adult they need to look up to. You are in control! Don't let them think differently :)

BigSis said...

I get up before everyone else in the morning so I can have a few minutes of quiet time. I take a few minutes to read my Bible- even if I only have 5 minutes to spare. Then, I make a list. On one side, I list my many blessings. On the other side, I list my worries. This clearly shows me that my blessings outnumber my worries. Then, I tell myself that I am choosing to be joyful today no matter what gets thrown at me. Then, I pray about it. This is just a way for me to start my day on a positive note. Maybe you can make notes to yourself to put in the car, on your desk that just say "choose joy". This would just be a physical reminder that the choice is yours. You could show BroMan your list of blessings and your notes to yourself. Maybe slip one in his bookbag or school book. People can stress you out but you choose how you react. People can only steal your joy if you let them.

Love you.

Heather said...

Oh, sweetie. You've got alot going on right now. Keep praying and talking and being really honest with your little guy. He'll be fine. We went through this with one of the girls this past summer and it was hard and scary and we worked through it as a family. She is five. You're doing great. You really, really are and I will pray for you too. Teaching is THE hardest job in the world and certainly not any easier when you have a difficult class. Hang in there and STAY TOUGH. Don't let them get you down.